Patriotic Art Done Right

I’m the first to admit that I love me some patriotism. I like to squirt it on my hotdogs, spread it on my PB&Js and blend it with my steak shakes. I don’t just have an American flag tattooed on my body (on the inner right thigh with the poetic saying “These colors don’t run. . . even when wet”), I have an American flag stitched into my back. Let’s just say if there was an arm wrestling contest between me and Uncle Sam, I’d win–even if Uncle Sam did the “Over the Top” arm wrestling move made famous by the Over the Top movie. Incidentally, that movie also marked the last time Sylvester Stallone’s face resembled a human face.

So I’m surprised by my reaction to this patriotic photo Speaker7 posted on her blog:

What is it about this photo that makes my red-white-and-blue blood run cold?

It has a bald eagle, a symbol of America and American male-patterned baldness. I love bald eagles. They’re so freedom-filled, and tasty when stuffed with freedom fries. The subtle eagle wings remind me of Date with an Angel, which is my favorite movie starring Michael Knight.

I should love this. Why don’t I?

I know. It’s the subtlety. I like my patriotism like I like my basement–chock-full of patriotic items to the point you can’t set foot on the floor.

So I tweaked it. And now I love it:

It fits with my motto: Everything improves with the addition of truck nutz.

Who’s Cuter

I love watching news shows like Access Hollywood or Inside Edition or Hollywood Up  or Space Nugget, but sometimes I get so distracted by the hosts’ cuteness.

Is it just me?

They start to talk about something important like Carrot Top marrying Potato Bottom, and I can’t pay attention because I’m licking Mario Lopez’s dimples on my HD screen.

I also am partial to Billy Bush who smiles all the time. People like that have nothing wrong with them.

I’m giggling to a point where I might choke on my fig newton root beer float.

Seacrest out.

The Best Article in the World

Oh my god. . . I almost loosened tendons in my neck from shaking my head so hard in the affirmative at this article:

Guys are dope, but still say dopey stuff

The article was written by a hands-free saucepan stirrer, which is so awesome. I always wondered what a hands-free stirrer did on its downtime, and it’s to preach the truth, sister. Or be a pot-stirrer. Hee-hee. Oh my god, I wrote something clever!  I go girl.

So the stirrer writes that guys say some pretty tactless stuff, and lists 20 of them, and my boo is guilty of all of them. In fact, he said all 20 in the last 2 minutes. I cried, but then ate chocolate and now I’m all good. Chocolate is the cure all of everything…except leprosy, but do you care about your leprosy when you have chocolate?

Maybe.

The first 10 are about your man calling some other lady hot or sexy. The last 10 are about you guy wanting to get it on with lots of women with you participating or not being present. And the remaining 5 are about women being fat and bad at math.

So what’s a gal to do, people or hands-free sauce pan stirrers?

It’s time to change, ladies.

Seriously

You’re welcome.

I’m a Phoenix

I didn’t actually attend the University of Phoenix. Instead, I rose from the ashes that were once ramblingsandrumblings.wordpress.com.

I am new to the world yet I have a list of things that I already love.

Here’s what I love:

• Rich Little impersonations! Especially when he does a Rich Little impersonation of Rich Little impersonating Rich Little. I’ve never seen this, but I know I would love it.
• Fig Newtons. I just ate an entire box, threw it up, and then ate another box.
• Catchphrases like “Show me the money!” “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” and “Socks? Who needs ‘em!” I giggle and giggle. I’m hoping to catch my own phrase someday. The one I’m working on now is “Blue.” I know, I know, it needs some work, but let me know what you think in the comments.
• Listening to talk radio. It’s so right on. I kind of think Rush Limbaugh is sexy especially when he breathes just so into his microphone. I should mention, I slammed my head really hard into the ash pile when I initially tried to fly. While I am a phoenix, I’m not a flying phoenix.
• Grand displays of Americanism. I’m a sucker for eagles being swaddled in pie made entirely out of an American flag.
• Inspirational sayings like “There’s no I in team!” and “You can’t fail without AL, a guy who fails a lot.”